i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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