If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
