Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
