My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
