I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
