On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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