I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
