Your mouth is God's brothel.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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