I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
