You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Randomize
