she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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