When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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