getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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