Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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