I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
