mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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