We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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