So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
