Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
