Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
