i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Randomize
