Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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