I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
