what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
