Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
