I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
