I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
