what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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