I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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