Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
