If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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