I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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