Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
