So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
