you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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