im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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