Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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