Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
