You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
