I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
