Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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