I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
