So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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