How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You can't just leave with hair like that
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
