in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
