Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
