Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
