She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
