Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
