well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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