My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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