don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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