I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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