I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Oops wrong number
Randomize
